“They’re in a better place.”
“It’s been over a year, aren’t you feeling better?”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“I know exactly how you feel.”
Grief is hard enough without hearing these words. There were no classes in high school or college that educated us on grief and how to cope with it; yet, every human experiences grief at some point in their life.
What is Grief?
While most people associate grief with death, in actuality grief is our response to change and loss. This includes the loss of a job (whether that be a willing or unwilling loss), the loss of a relationship (through a break-up or realizing a relationship is no longer supportive), and unique experiences with aging (such as loss of independence). Most research is based of grief as a response to death, though nearly all the same principles can apply to the other experiences mentioned.
We recognize grief as both an emotion and a process. You may have heard of the stages of grief, developed by Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her 1969 book On Death and Dying. Dr. Kubler-Ross’ theory has been well-researched since its development and now consists of seven stages: shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, reconstruction, and acceptance.
While the idea of grief as “stages” is not what it seems at first, humans generally experience these seven psychological responses when it comes to grief. Grief does not follow a well-developed template like these stages may suggest. People may feel one response heavily and never feel any others. They may cycle through several stages over time. The unique pattern people experience with their is why finding therapy for grief is so important.
What is Grief?
While most people associate grief with death, in actuality grief is our response to change and loss. This includes the loss of a job (whether that be a willing or unwilling loss), the loss of a relationship (through a break-up or realizing a relationship is no longer supportive), and unique experiences with aging (such as loss of independence). Most research is based of grief as a response to death, though nearly all the same principles can apply to the other experiences mentioned.
We recognize grief as both an emotion and a process. You may have heard of the stages of grief, developed by Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her 1969 book On Death and Dying. Dr. Kubler-Ross’ theory has been well-researched since its development and now consists of seven stages: shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, reconstruction, and acceptance.
While the idea of grief as “stages” is not what it seems at first, humans generally experience these seven psychological responses when it comes to grief. Grief does not follow a well-developed template like these stages may suggest. People may feel one response heavily and never feel any others. They may cycle through several stages over time. The unique pattern people experience with their is why finding therapy for grief is so important.
Therapy and Grief
There can be several barriers when it comes to finding a therapist who works with grief:
Expectations: Grief is not something we “get rid of” in therapy. Sometimes people seek grief counseling to “cure” themselves of grief, and then become frustrated when this doesn’t happen. Grief is a normal and often-times a continuous reaction/process, especially after the death of a loved one. The goal of therapy is to process your grief and learn how to manage it in meaningful ways.
Trauma: When someone’s death happened in a traumatic way (for example, murder), the trauma stunts any healthy grieving. In grief therapy, processing the trauma related to your grief will be the first priority.
Taboo/Discomfort: Not every therapist is open to talking about death/dying and grief. This may be for cultural reasons or personal reasons. It is important that you find a therapist who truly understands and works with grief so that you feel safe and secure enough to explore your own grief.
Solution-Focused: Similar to wanting to “get rid of” grief, people often want specific actions for immediate relief. While there are specific practices that you learn through grief therapy, there is no one-size-fits-all. This may require some trial and error to find what helps you with your grief.
Time and Finances: Depending on your grief, therapy may take more time to fully explore and process your responses before finding relief. You may not have the time or finances to support more long-term therapy no matter how important or beneficial it may be. This is something to address with any therapist you see, whether at the beginning or your time together or if you fall on hardships when already working with a therapist. Many will do everything they can to work with you.
Grief Groups
Grief groups are an often overlooked resource in the treatment of grief. Grief groups are a safe space where you connect with others who have experienced or are experiencing grief. This allows you to recognize that you are not alone and not the only one having this experience. Even if you are grieving over the loss of a parent and someone is grieving over the loss of a child, there are shared experiences when it comes to grief (though finding a specific grief group can be helpful too).
One barrier to grief groups (and for some, grief overall) is that some groups utilize religious themes to structure the group. For some, this is no problem. For others, this may lead to resistance as it is common for people to question their faith or religion when dealing with grief. This means it may take time and effort to find a grief group that will meet your specific needs.
Is Grief Therapy Right for Me?
While grief is a normal and completely expected reaction to loss and change, it can still impact our ability to function day-to-day. If you are experiencing significant disruptions in your sleep, appetite, mood, ability to go to work/school, or your ability to connect with your friends and family, you may benefit from meeting with a therapist to assess your symptoms and process your grief. Unresolved grief can ultimately lead to more severe depression.
If you are uncertain about starting therapy for your grief, please contact our grief specialist, Kyle Stepler, using the button below. He will help you decide if starting therapy is a good start for you.